The Adventures of Fr. Aidan McNutty: Chapter One

Chapter One: Enter, the Nut

It was a bright sunny morning, barely a cloud in the sky and warm. Spring was in the air and the sparrows sang and flittered in the cherry tree that stood slightly to one side of the main entrance to the little church that offered Holy Mass in the Rite of the Saints.

Alas, further down the street, about fifty yards away, and about to intrude on this peaceful scene was the fanatical young modernist priest, Fr. Aidan McNutty. This youthful Pharisee was preparing himself to execute the plans of his lord and master: Archbishop Rupert Weakling. Furtively glancing left and right, McNutty approached St. John Chrysostom's Parish pushing a large hooded pram. 

As he drew near to the church, he reached inside and turned on a gramaphone with a recording of a baby crying. Deacon Algernon Alabaster, his erstwhile servant, waved to his master from a block away and then whipped out a megaphone and began to decry "those rebels".

Fr. McNutty, with his head down, reached the church door, entered and began to quickly examine the parish bulletin. "We have them", he grunted to himself, as he stuffed the little sheet inside his expensive leather jacket. McNutty began manouvering the large pram through a side door, but, in his haste to leave he slipped and fell down a small flight of stairs, ripping his jacket on the stair rail and banging up his shins. Cursing, he exited the church with his pram and ruined jacket, and proceeded to rendevous with a bellowing mob of dissidents who had gadually made its way towards the little church.

"Algernon, I'm going straight to Rupert! These people are openly Catholic"! His disguise no longer necessary, McNutty flung the pram into the gutter, then jumped into his M6 BMW.  With hands trembling, McNutty picked up his car phone and dialed Archbishop Weakling. 

"Rupert, we've got them. It is true: they ARE Catholics"! "I guess we'll have to excommunicate them Aidan, but I'll have to ask Sr.Teresa Insane first" intoned the archbishop with pompous gravity.

"Err, what about the Pope"? whimpered McNutty. "Well, what about him? You know he won't intervene. Anyhow, Cardinal.....will protect me", laughed Weakling. "And, my boy - I've been told the Pope's lines are tapped! So you see, we have a free hand! Besides, he's off chasing his dreams and doesn't have time".

Then Weakling added ominously: "Sr. Insane told me the other day that just the way the old fascist Church used to root out gays, so we are rooting out and getting rid of traditionalists". With diabolical satisfaction, the archbishop snarled: "And I can hardly wait"!

Hanging up, McNutty tried to start the engine, but the car stalled. Grinding his teeth, McNutty flooded the carburator with scientific knowhow, to which his bright red car reacted with a hellish roar and a cloud of smoke. Shifting gears quickly, McNutty zipped off in the direction of the archbishop's mansion.

...to be continued...