Lately, I have been feeling rather worn out and unmotivated to blog anything profound and original, despite my earlier injunction to keep calm and resist on. My mind has been on many things.
In a few short days, it will be the third year anniversary of the moment I admitted there was something deeply wrong with the Novus Ordo, and began looking for the nearest TLM to attend.
It has been a long three years, three years I wish I could easily forget.
When I became traditionally-minded, I imagined everyone would get along, and people would be in accord about what is important and what is not important.
That turned out to be far from the case.
While it started off fairly well in October 2016, I soon became embroiled in intra-traditionalist disputes. I was involved in the Giles Mongeau Affair at the Toronto Oratory. A post I made at Vox Cantoris about the constant pandering to the youth by this current pontificate made me an easy target for the man behind the Toronto TLM Serving blog, who directly insulted my intelligence and threatened my spiritual welfare, all because I associated myself with Vox Cantoris. (His insults still rankle me, I must admit.)
More recently, I fell out with local traditionalists who I considered my friends, because my conscience could no longer justify the gossip (which I willingly participated in, to my regret) they were spreading about others. While I am healing from this and coming to terms with my own culpability in the matter, it still hurts, because I honestly thought they would be courageous enough to apologize and work with those they have stated ideological differences with.
Many times, I have been tempted to flee this personal madness and return to the Novus Ordo, where I did not have to deal with all of this (seemingly frequent) infighting. Even now.
But then - I remember. There is madness and infighting there too. It is why I left the Novus Ordo and began to attend the TLM near exclusively three years ago.
Right now, I am happy with the decisions I have made. I have made positive steps towards figuring out what my calling will look like. I attend the Old Rite Mass offered by a diocesan priest (a man I consider a friend) at a local chapel as often as I can. It is a quiet place, and the regular attendees do not cause any fuss, while helping Father a great deal. My list of close friends is quite small now. Life is quieter - I focus on maintaining the friendships I have, being there for my family, and hope to God I am drawing ever closer to Him.
In short, the madness and infighting I have witnessed have been a blessing. A blessing that hurt, yes, but a blessing nonetheless.
Friends, do not give up. We are under a great shadow, a shadow which is eclipsing the Church belonging to Christ. I daresay the primary one casting this shadow is Pope Bergoglio. This is causing great consternation among the faithful. It is why we are seeing the madness and infighting becoming more and more incessant with each passing day - among all sorts of Catholics.
What keeps me going is remembering that the night is darkest before the dawn. The current madness and infighting will not last forever. The sun will light up the horizon at some point. It is only when we are deep in the depths of night that we are tired, worn out, and unmotivated to carry on the battle.
Even so, I daresay the dawn is already breaking.